Beer League Roster Success
With the summer free agency season winding down, I thought it might be a good time to focus on the players you are going to need for your beer league rosters and upcoming tourneys. In order to compete against the Iceholes, the Moose Knuckles and Captain Morgan’s All-Stars in the Tuesday night barn-burner, you are going to need to make sure that your roster is well rounded with those willing to sacrifice whatever it takes for those Championship t-shirts and $50 bucks off league dues next season.
To assist with these player personnel decisions, here is a breakdown of key positions for your beer league success:
The Captain – He is not like the Captain you are thinking, but he is the guy that owns the local tire shop and puts up the dough for the jerseys and beers after games…and for this, the “C” comes on his jersey. The Captain has no skill what-so-ever, but he is one of the most important cogs in your team’s existence.
Local “Jr. B” Kid – He will bring to the squad the half-shield cocked above the eye-brows, dirty sayings you used 15 years ago and expect no passing once you cross the red line. This player provides the un-earned cockiness that makes you laugh under your breath, along with at least 2 goals a game because he has something to prove against all the local guys…even if it is Tuesday night. You’ll put up with this guy for the points.
Bender Who Thinks He Has Game – This player is not a classified a beginner, but only because he has purchased a bucket, gloves and pants from the local NHL teams yearly equipment sale. At first glance in the locker room, you might think he has game, however this guy couldn’t catch a pass on his forehand to save all of mankind. This role must be filled just so you can hear this jackass talk a fantastic game with absolutely no output.
Naked Guy – Due to this players natural instincts, you must keep constant eye contact all costs. He drops trough at a moment’s notice and proceeds to walk around the room in all of his glory. However this kind of player will most likely have some skill. So get some blinders for the room and focus on the goals he puts on the scoreboard.
Hatchet Man – This 45 year old Stay-At-Home Defenseman rarely likes to visit outside of his own blue line. His weapon of choice is an actual wooden KOHO, remember those? When your opponents forecheck into “His” corner, they often exit with a severe limp or one less hand than before they entered his domain. In playing against Hatchet Man, you will receive great joy in dumping the puck into his corner for one of your line mates to go after. Uncontrollable laughter ensues while watching your guy try to get out alive. You NEED a Hatchet Man to contend for those championship T-shirts.
Wear Gear To The Game Guy – Remember when you were a mite and you had to get dressed in the car just so you were ready to hit the ice in time for practice? Well, for some reason this 51 year old still shows up at the rink for the 10:30 PM game dressed to his breezers. The only thing better seeing him arrive, is he watching him leave the game the same way…now in sweat filled breezers! Don’t question logic here, just make sure you have this guy on your roster.
The Prospect – This player was “invited” to the Buffalo Sabres training camp, but was released after “THE” knee injury. This player has good skills and can be fun to play with, outside of the fact that he really thinks he should be on Hockey Night in Canada instead of vying for those Championship T-shirts. I never understood why The Prospect never went with the “post concussion syndrome” instead of the “knee injury” in explaining why he isn’t playing on HNIC…as this guy has no scars at all, anywhere…
#69 – Every team has one and if yours doesn’t you may be disqualified by the league commissioner. The sixty-niner tends to be in his mid-40’s, overweight, and talks about lumber he’s been laying to the ladies. His hockey skills are non-existent, as the only thing he dangles is a gold medallion. However, he does pack some laughs while having some wobbly pops after the game.
The Bird Cage- Here's the guy that no one really knows where he came from, he just showed up in the room. He's also the only guy really taking advantage of the 3 minute warm up and trying to break a sweat while everyone else is maybe throwing a leg up on the boards as if that's really gonna loosen anything up before the 10pm puck drop. He is often referred to as the "Tommy Try Hard" and doesn't stop till the last buzzer, making sure he gets his money's worth out of every shift. Doesn't offer much of anything other than he's all over the ice and everywhere you seem to be. Standard issue consists of: full gear, neck guard, ankle guards and all and of course the "bird cage".
Kickin’ it Old School Goalie – Like they say, you need a hot goalie to ride to a championship. You can’t go wrong with the old school goalie. Yeah, he doesn’t have the flashy pads (his are still brown Cooper’s) but he wears a real man’s mask…a la Pelle Lindberg. You know the one that is solid white and has actual eye holes, man that was beauty simplified. Anyway, the old timer in the pipes will give you an honest effort week in and week out. He’s not pretty, he actually bathes in Old Spice aftershave following games, but he shows up on time and that’s what really counts.
So there is a scouting report on some of the key holes that need to be filled in your line-up on your way to adult league glory. I am sure that a couple of gems flew under the radar, so let us know who we missed!
Good luck to all in 2010-2011…the puck drops soon!